Ideological self-loathing

As a general rule, I don’t stress about the disconnect between my vaguely communist ideals and my highly corporate-drone job, in an IT outsourcing firm of all places. I do my best to contribute according to my ability, whether compelled by work or not, and when what I receive is more than genuinely accords to my needs, I try to turn it to the cause of being more self-sufficient, or to tuck a bit of it away in some kind of regular charity donation.

On this particular occasion (two weeks prior to date of posting), however, I found myself feeling a bit uncomfortable again, feeling: this is grossly inappropriate, surely no-one really Needs this?

Where was I?

I was sitting in the ‘Promenade’ cafe under Veritas with the (all male) training group, with whom I was in the process of studying up on Veritas Storage Foundation at the behest of my employer, eating a needlessly large hot paid-for lunch, looking out through the floor-to-ceiling glass walls at the passing StKilda road traffic of expensive cars and expensive suits… and listening to the piped music: Money, Money, Money (a very angry and unhappy song by ABBA standards).

The training, in hindsight, was useful. The lunches were a nice freebie. I need to emphasize how grateful I am to my employer for these things, but still I am uneasy.

I’m a university-educated white caucasian male, living in the first world, with a job and a car and a nice IT job that pays far more than it would in any other industry. What justifies my existence, in a world where half the population lives on less than $2USD per day?

Right now, this is not a question to which I have an acceptable answer.

4 thoughts on “Ideological self-loathing

  1. Chance is what justifies your existence.

    There will always be poor people, but you have the opportunity to help them, at least a little.

  2. I think you have to ask from what your affluence is derived. Does your industry exist as a result of ripping off non-university-educated coloured non-caucasian females living in the nth world? If so then there is definitely grounds for worry. Or does it (as I suspect) exist as a result of provided cost-effective services to others in a very similar demographic as yourself. If so then it is a case of affluence generated from within your affluent society in which case I think you can sit back and enjoy the free lunch.

  3. The intersting thing here, is : do you think the best thing you can get out of life is money and the things you can get with it. if that is a yes, then you are richer. if the answer is no, then the question is, are the things you’ve discussed worth anything? are they totally meaningless? it’s one of those things i think about constantly and it does my head in…

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